On Tuesday December 18th it was a beautiful sunny day in Connecticut. I specifically remember my walk from the car park at work to my building and looking up at the radio control tower of our Police Department that is right next door to where I work. There is a Ospreys stick nest up there, newly made but now abandoned for the winter and I marveled at their persistence of make a stick nest in such a location.

I went into work, clocked in, made sure my phone was on ring and set about with my coworkers to start our work for the day.

9:15AM – I came back down to our office area and when I walked in the door my phone rang.. It was Greenwich woods

The conversation went like this
Me: Hello?
Them: This is Greenwich woods your brother Thomas has had an episode and we are performing CPR on him right now and we are taking him to Greenwich ER. Will you be meeting us there?

Me: Uh, yeah. What Happened?
Them: He had a seizure /episode. You will be meeting us there?

Me: Yes.
I hung up the phone and stood there. I had to call Mom.
I went up stairs and told Mom and she told me to come home and pick her up.
Once home I googled how the hell to get to Greenwich Hospital because at that moment i could have been in frigging Timbuktu.

We got on the road and right around Exit 5 on I-95 – the phone rings again.. I ask Mom to hold it up so I can speak.

Them- Hi this is Greenwich Hospital we just wanted to make sure you are on your way?

Me: Yes I am en route now.

I hang up and realize this is not good. Not good at all.
I got us to the hospital and I wound up driving us up to the emergency room entrance.. A very nice guard there looked at me and obviously sensed that I needed help.

I got out of the car and said to him “My older brother is having a heart attack this is my Mom she has a cane.. can we park here”? He took pity on us and said yes.

We then both got out of the car and headed towards the ER entrance.

Once inside I saw a sea of people waiting to be helped at the ER sign in counter but just then a women with blonde hair and a long white coat sought me out in the crowd and said “SUSAN”? I said yes…

She motioned for me to follow her.

As we walked into the ER area I heard a noise.. A mechanical noise. I saw a room in front of me with a white curtain and I saw feet with socks and they seemed to be moving in an unnatural jerking movement. I recognized them immediately as Tommy’s socks.

I felt sick.

She led us into this little side room and then sat us down..

She told us that Tom had suffered from a heart attack or a pulmonary embolism around the time they had called me and that they had been working on him with an automatic CPR machine since then.

He had not regained any pulse and that basically at this point Tommy was dead.

When they stop the machine he is dead.

Dead. My brother is Dead. My brother in that room… the one I was going to see tomorrow.. which is today.. who is dead.

They ask us if we want to go and see him.

I look at my Mom and she says she would rather not.. and asks me to go.

I agree.

I walk with the lady down the corridor and take a left into the room.

There are 3 or 4 faceless people in the room.. There is my brother on the table and he is covered with a white sheet. his head is cocked to his right and there is a breathing tube down his throat. His eyes are open and devoid of life. His beautiful brown eye’s wide open and his nice long lashes.. I curse the hospital that they didn’t have them closed. They could have closed them. It is an image I would like to someday forget.

I walk over to the side of him and I lay my hands on him.
He looks like a skeleton. He looks nothing like my Tommy.
I tell him that I love him and that I will always love him and that he will always be my big brother.

I then prayed over him and I said “Dear Lord, Please protect my brother’s soul. Please let him into heaven and if he is lost… please bring him home. Dear Lord, Please Please Please Protect my brothers soul”

And with that … I said the words that I did not ever want to say.

I said the words …”ok”

And with that… they shut the machine off… and the noise sounded .. and a faceless man said in a quick voice… “suppress the tone”. and then the words..

“Time of Death.. 11:17AM” came from the faceless man.

And for a moment.. time stopped.

I lean over him and I look at his eyes to double-check that there is no life.. there is none ..

I cried like I had never done before and I turned back to Tommy and I told him “Tommy I am so sorry, I am so very very sorry” and then I couldn’t take it anymore and I turned and the lady in the white coat was there.. She hugged me and then I realized that I had to go back and see my Mom in the other room.

I walked numbly back to the room and I looked at her and I said “he’s gone Mommy, He’s just gone. and she asked me if I was sure and I said yes.. he is gone.

We were heartbroken.

They asked me later if we wanted to see him again without all the machines..I said NO. I was good.. I had seen enough.

I then called my boyfriend.. tried to call my sister and called my best friend Rich. Having to tell them that Tom was dead was hard. Very Hard.

The hospital lady gave me a bereavement package (with our last name spelled wrong which I quickly had her correct, attention to detail people.. attention to detail)

Our next destination… Greenwich Woods… to collect Toms belongings.