You never really know what it is until you experience it for yourself first hand.

Since my last post, I have had an idea for an entry for this blog ruminating in the back of my head that I have been writing and writing and re-writing mostly while driving in the car… So it goes…

Dear Tom,

Hi there, its Susie. Its been a long time. I hope wherever you are that you are ok and not tormented.

You probably know this already, but, I have written a blog about everything that happened to you (and me) since I drove you to the hospital on October 24th, your surgeries your climb towards recovery and the ultimately.. your death. I wrote my blog in an attempt to make something good come out of something so tragic and so damn unneccesary. My goal, although I may never know if it actually helps anyone, is to help PREVENT what happened to you from happening to another family or at least to lend support or strength to someone in the same position as you put me in.

We buried you with Grandma and Grandpa Skerrett in St. Charles Cemetery. It was a cold day and it was December 22nd. You may reel at that date and right you should. It was Daddy’s 78th birthday. We buried you on our Father’s birthday.

It was also to be our Father’s last birthday as Daddy died on March 9th of a heart attack. He was home. He died at home, it was quick and as he always wanted. He was buried with Military honors..YOU would have been so impressed. Mommy got the flag.

It has come to my attention recently that I never really knew the real you. I think that you let me, or whomever else, know what you wanted them to know. Very sneaky sneaky.

I miss the Good part of you. I really do. When we had a good joke skit, we were awesome!

You cannot begin to imagine the heartache I have gone through Tom. I lose you. I lose Daddy.

WE lose both of you.

I know God has a plan for everything.

I have not been able to NOT blame you for causing Daddy’s early death yet. Maybe in time I will. But I am sure you broke his heart, he wouldn’t talk about it like we all did. He kept it bottled up inside. Tommy- Daddy Loved you very much. You were just too proud, too stubborn and just to put it nicely.. TOO YOU to see it.

I am sorry that whatever demons plagued you that you felt you could only fight them by drinking.
I will never know what those demons were but that is really besides the point.

EVERYONE I speak to who knew you or did work with you speaks highly of you.
You were Terrific at your job – your clients LOVED you.
You helped so many people.. and some of them have reached out to me because of this blog

I found a wonderful therapist here in town. She is helping me explore my feelings on both you and Dad.

I don’t want to be mad at you forever but it is going to take some time.

One thing I know to be true Tommy is that for the Good in you and the Bad in you. I will always Love you and you will always be my big brother. Family ( sticks together no matter what.

My blogging is by no means done. I am more than just a woman experiencing grief. I am sister, a daughter, a girlfriend, a compassionate listener, a gardener, a comedian, a lover of life and a woman of Faith.

So lets just see what comes next shall we?